Smiling Through Pain

You Really Have To Learn How To SMILE Through Pain

Messy Curly Hair lol

I didnt see my mother yesterday, she turned 39.. :( ill try again next year... on thursday my basement flooded and i lost everything i had down there... we just moved into the house a year ago... i hated to see my mother cry.. my dog was trapped down there but we got her out in time Thank God.. today im really trying to back up from the situations i have been stressing over... when you want someone to treat you the same way you do and they dont... it hurts really bad.. why act like im not trying to give you everything? you would rather do what you want and get to me last... i dont want it to be that way but it has been and sadly i have been allowing it.. but it stops today... things have to be on my time now, being extra nice has been sadly tucked away for a min.. just to save face... hopefully in the next two weeks i make some solid decisions.. =/ but anyways i was kinda drunk last night.. i hung out with my friend ernie.. i love him with all my heart and im so proud of him... tonight i wont let my thoughts consume me... im gonna continue to smile through the pain because things could be worse and God spared me :)

* Day One*

This is how i felt today... i wanted to curl up in a ball from all of my thoughts.. but i didn't.. i got through the day with no tears.. :) it was hard not talking today and i hope it doesn't get any harder.
When i thought i was doing a little better.. i got some really hurtful news.. all i could do was sit and think about why? Why is this happening and why are people so selfish sometime?...
I don't wish anything bad on anyone.. i just want everyone to try and be as nice as possible because things do come back in full force. i just turn my head and let the drama pass me by.. I'm so strong for everyone else.. but when do i get a break?
My nails and toes are now all black.. not for grief but for the things i need to go through to get to where I'm going.... sometime you have to endure some pain to receive the great relief... whats life without the good and the bad.. no one is perfect.. including me.. I'm still learning.. these lessons are knocking me on my ass though ... that's probably why its so big now lol :)

Ive learned a new method to arguing, silence.

*18 Things That me do this face*

18 things that make me make a stank face lol....

1. Wearing light blue draws, men this is so bad for you.. instant turn off
2. Ignoring My Text msgs
3. Not inviting me some where and i see you there
4. Calling me Private
5. Tweeting Before you speak to me
6. Asking for the lock code to my phone, everyone that should have it... has it already
7. Drinking the last of my fruitista
8. Trying to hoe me.. yea no we dont do that
9. Sending me a text msg at 10.. like you run some shit.. yea no.. where were you earler?
10. Trying to hurt my feelings.. on purpose.. just stop
11. Trying to hurt drake, i dont play about him
12. Dont ignore my kindness
13. Dont move my remote
14. If you dont like puppies.. i dont like you
15. Pretending to know me and you dont.. plz go away
16. Giving advice about me.. shut the hell up sometime
17. Starring at me like im candy.. either speak or leave
18. If i cant find my socks, dont ask me why i took yours.. lol

Songs I Listen To

The List Of Songs Im About To Give Is Special To Me...

1. The Dream-Fancy
2. Lil Wayne-Single
3. Ciara- Run It
4. The Dream feat T.I- Make Up Bag
5. Drake-Find You Love
6. Beyonce- Smash Into You
7. The Dream- Sexy Intelligent
8. Ryan Leslie- Out Of The Blue
9. Aaliyah- At Your Best
10. Wiz Khalifa- Up
11. Beyonce- If
12. Drake- Cece Interlude
13. Jamie Foxx- Freak'in Me
14. Drake- Fall For Your Type
15. Alicia Keys- Diary
16. Boys 2 Men- When The Water Runs Dry
17. Jamie Foxx- Slow
18. Beyonce- Poison
19. Alicia Keys- Unthinkable
20. Aaliyah- Come Over
21. Drake- She Hurt Me
22. The Dream- Sweat It Out
23. The Dream Ft Drake- Shut It Down

Thats All Im giving right now.. but all of these songs take me some where else when i listen to them.. i hope you enjoyt them as much as i do.. i warn you though.. dont listen to them as a playlist unless you ready for it ;)

I love You Khloe

Everyone need to sit down and listen to this song.. by yourself... save face.

This Is What I Go Through

This is where we are now..

Trying to figure out how to keep our memories of each other alive.. we dont want to lose them but we are already going down the wrong path ...we want to make it stop but we can't.. your smile, your touch, your scent will be erased from my memory.. those days we can never get back.. the part of me you have will free fall into a black hole.. lets sit down and figure this out.. do we really want this?.. I know we dont, but at that time this was the easy way out.. look where easy has gotten us...

You make me smile.. even when my days are blue.. i make myself smile but the faces i make when im with you are priceless.. the secrets ..the laughter ... all in the open.. we never care what people think but somedays you suprise me ... i hope you only change for the better and not the worse...

This is what i go through with myself.. all these differnt emotions pour out at different times.. dont tell me your young and you have nothing to worry about.. im not worrying.. im embracing my young emotion and it's driving me insane... all i want is to feel your touch and know that you have my back no matter what.. i can try and erase you.. but im sure you will come back.. some way.. some how..

This is where i want to be...

*Yesterday*

Yesterday my cousin walked across the stage. It took him 5 years but he did it. I was so happy to see the progress he made. It proved to me that people can change and learn from their mistakes, it does take some time though. He was on the path going no where fast and look at him now.. I got to see all my family yesterday.. but the one person who stuck out the most is my granny... She is losing her memory and it hurts me every time i look at her.. I try to stay as strong as i can on the outside.. but the days are getting harder. I asked her would she agree to let me film her and she was so excited... she wants to tell me about her life, her cooking secrets.. her child hood memories and the things that make her who she is.. i want to capture these things so even though she may forget.. i never will and no one else will forget either.. Hold on to your family.. don't lose hope in people, but don't give them to much approval either.. your only hurting them when you act impressed over nothing... You cant teach anyone a lesson, they have to learn for themselves..
_Josh_

Things of The Nature

This day was great for me.. i did everything i wanted to do plus a little more. I got some things off my chest and realized a few things. I want this.. I want to keep going and i long for greatness. You on the other hand, you stay in your dark corner. You never let my rays of sunshine hit your heart. Everything you do and say to me is dark and cold. Venting to the world gets old and you need that one person who knows you best to make sure your alright, or agree with what your saying. I don't have that right now, i have me and my thoughts. I sit up and think about what could happen or what i should do. I don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes i want to give up and throw you to the wolves. If you want to go off on your own without me, go ahead. But i warn you, the heart doesn't open back up.. it keeps going.. pushing out old things and bringing in new. which means there will be no room for you. If you have a place in someones heart, try and keep it. That spot was designed for you and no one will be able to fill it. Its not the fact that i don't care, i care to much and that can be just as bad. I just cant explain this shit at all...
Josh

*Ryan Leslie*

I love Ryan Leslie... I also love this video :) If you having problems with someone you can always play this song for them and clear the air LOL